[Kurt Suzuki is called into the Twins front office]
KS: Hey guys. Is this is it? Am I traded?
Terry Ryan: No, Kurt, we want to work on an extension with you!
KS: Mr. Ryan, I really want you to reconsider this, for your own good. I –
TR: Hold on for just a second, Kurt.
[Terry Ryan speaks on the phone]: No. No. Yes, we value him highly. He’s playing hardball but we are really trying to lock him down for a bit. Yeah. Sorry, John
TR: Sorry about that! Now, where were we. Is it a money issue? Years? What are you looking for, Kurt.
KS: Fellas, I’m having a career year and I’m already in my 30s. It’s very likely that I’ve reached my maximum potential and will fall back to earth next sea–
TR: I’m going to have to stop you there. Hang on.
[on the phone again]: Yes, hello. Seriously, he’s in the room right now. We’re still working on an extension. We’re pretty close, I think. How close? Um.. I guess he’s like 7 feet away. Yeah, OK, talk to you later.
TR: Should I get you something to drink? Is your contract signing hand all limbered up?
KS: If you lock me up, what are you going to do with Josmil Pinto? Doesn’t he deserve a chance? Aren’t I already pretty close to superfluous in the organization the needs a lot of help in other areas?
TR: We’ll probably just find a fat reliever to trade Pinto for. Heath Bell’s still around, right? Ugh, this phone is driving me nuts right now.
[back on the phone]: Willingham and Correia? For a package including who? I’m sorry, Dan, but we just can’t make a move today. I’m dedicating all my time to ensuring that we can lock Kurt Suzuki up long term.
KS: Are you serious? You aren’t going to make any moves today because you want to sign me, an aging catcher having an out of character career season?
TR: The pitching staff loves you, Kevin, they all say they feel like they pitch better with you on the mound. You’re getting the most out of them!
KS: Mr. Ryan, have you seen how well the staff has been performing this year? I think that if the pitchers are pitching as good as they can right now, you need to overhaul your pitching staff rather than keep me.
TR: I mean, we did already trade for Tommy Milone, so that’s been taken care of.
KS: Seriously? That was your move? Hey, why did your phone stop ringing?
TR: Oh, because it’s 315. Deadline passed. So, about that extension….
KS: Ugh, fine.
TWINS SIGN SUZUKI TO TWO YEAR EXTENSION